Live up to now!

So I've been unsuccessful in finding employment in Provo and as I go about thinking and looking I've had a lot of generous offers from friends and family to stay with people. I've decided to go home and live with my parents again. It just feels right. I would have loved to go down to Texas and live with Ken and Jen, my two favorite people in the world, but this just feels like where I need to be. I don't know how long I'll be out of a job, I don't know a lot of stuff, so I figure going with a feeling is the best thing I can do right now. Plus I've lived away from home for 6 years now, I've never really reconnected with my parents after my mission, and it'd be kind of nice to have the opportunity to do so again.

Being the youngest I got to live several years at home when it was just me and my parents, and we got along very well, my father has always been wonderful about leaving most decisions up to me, just giving me advice. He's always trusted me and my judgment and that's made this decision to move home easier, knowing that my parents really do love and trust me. Plus it will be great to spend some time with mom, I miss our long talks, she really has been my best friend for long stretches of my life. Plus this way maybe I'll actually know what's happening with my family, since mom tends to be the central hub of family information (us Stair's are not very good about calling/writing each other, or in my case even keeping a blog.)

Also, despite how most of my siblings dislike the town, and the fact that there is pretty much nothing to do their, I do love Wilson. I spent 13-18 there, and I had a great time. I felt closer to God there then I think I did anywhere else during my life. No doubt this experience will be different now that I'm a grown up that is very much acclimated to a LDS culture, but I'm sure that I'll still be able to have some fun and prosper in this little southern town. And it won't be forever, eventually I'll get into graduate school and finish growing up the rest of the way and have the job I've wanted all these long years.

By the way, in my search for jobs I have found TONS and TONS of opening for fully licenced Speech Language Pathologists. So once I have my masters I have no fear of being able to find a job.

The times they are a-changing!

I'm weird in that I've always enjoyed a bunch of the music from my parents generation, I've tried to imbed a youtube video of Bob Dylan's classic song up above. I've decided that's a good theme to describe what I'm feeling. This semester I've had the experience of studying post-modernism both in literature and art. Those of you that know me can already predict that I liked the literature a lot lot better then I did the art. One of the first observations I had about Post-modernism is that it's dangerous. It resonated to me with that fear that paralyzes, the uncertainty that causes total apathy. I find it hilarious that I study this area of thought during a time of change in my life.

This period of my life is reminding me of the other times of my life where I've had big changes. I tend to get gripped by what I now call my Post-modern fear. Will I get a job? I don't know. Will I stay here or move? I don't know. Will I make some idiot mistakes? Probably, but not as bad as I fear most likely. Will I be happy? Who knows? Does it matter, can I even control what happens? Not really, I can only control what I do.

So here's a peak into my fears. I'm afraid that I won't get into grad school this year (I'm essentially on two wait lists and they're my best bet). I'm afraid that I won't get into grad school ever, or that I'll end up finding another job and just doing that instead of fulfilling my dream and going to graduate school and becoming a speech language pathologist. I'm afraid that I alienated a couple of friends when I turned them down about a buisness idea of theirs, and that maybe I was wrong to turn them down. I'm afraid I'll life a live alone and never marry, I'm afraid that I won't mind that much in a few years. I'm afraid that if I do get married that I'll be a horrible father. I'm afraid that because I won't get married until I'm older that my family will always treat me like a kid. I'm afraid that those of you reading this will freak out and worry yourselves silly about me.

I'll survive and I'll even bounce out of this funk. I've felt funks this strong at the beginning of college, my mission, and the end of my mission. And yes... all of these things kind of start coming to the surface at the same time. I'm a worrier, I am my father's son. So when times change in my life I freak out a bit, so if I seem more morose or what not, that's why. I really do love all of my friends and family out there, but in times like this I just get overwhelmed with my own thoughts and feelings that I have trouble being here. I've gotten better in the past several years, but I'm still not very good at it.

Heck I'm freaking out about how clean my house is for my parents visiting... and I'm pretty sure they won't care too much. They were in college once upon a time, they know what it's like, especially on finals week. Anyway for those of you that don't know that I carry around some big fears and that they breath down my neck at times like this, well now you know.

Update

Ugghh... I'm not very good at keeping this often. For an update on the grad school situation look below, I've edited that original post. Long story short, still don't know where I'll be in a year. Isn't being in college great?

Anyway I've decided I want to do a Vlog. I'm going to do it, I've just got to work a few things out.
1. Get a Web Cam. This is the easy step.
2. Learn how to do it. The hardest part of this will be figuring out how to make the file upload to some nice place that will host it for me.
3. Figure out how I want to compose the post. At first I may very well do a short ASL segment (with English translation below, warning: it will not be word for word, ASL is not signed english. Warning: I'm not fluent, so it may be a lot closer to word for word then it should be, but the point is to get better, and I'll never get better if I never practice.)
4. Clean up my room enough that I don't mind filming things with my room as the background.

Thoughts

So I had yet another interesting day of class. It was one of those classes where you have a comment, but you get so moved by what's taught that you have to ponder it before you can do anything else, including speaking. A lot of what I have to say are things I thought but could not put into words.

We're currently talking about "The Grand Inquisitor" chapter of "The Brothers Karamazov" by Dostoevsky, we've also read bits of Darwin and Marx in this section.

I'd just finished catching up on the Marx, so perhaps that is part of where my mind was for this mind blowing discussion. It's scary to realize that even when we fight against communism we acknowledge some truth in it's manifesto. The space race could be seen, the need to settle in space, as a way to create a new frontier to settle and push capitalism along. A way for the proletariat to exhaust itself in going to a new world where it can better itself, a new America. Also the idea of a foreign war to pacify and focus a people follows a similar model, that it's forcing a new market to exist. I'm not saying that this is the way things are, I'm just saying I'm seeing a connection, and that it's a bit scary.

Then we go in and talk about the Grand Inquisitor (the character this time) who spouts off the communist thought of the government (or in his case the church) taking care of people's physical needs. And otherwise telling what they think are lies about the truth of reality to pacify them, because they are too foolish to do so themselves. What really blows your mind is what the Grand Inquisitor is mad with Jesus about. That he's mad about the freedom given to people. The freedom to achieve the goals given in the gospel. The absolute freedom necessary for us to achieve our potential. It's chilling. It's a level of freedom that is practically unheard of.

I kept thinking of the Janis Joplin line "freedom is another word for nothing left to lose". That line has an aspect of truth to it. We are told to not put home, wealth, comfort, or even family before the pursuit and loyalty to God. If we live a truly Christian life, we may have all of those above things and more, but we will live with the constant knowledge that we are willing to give those to God. That we are free of them to a level. We are then comforted that God for the most parts wants us to have the best things in live, especially family. It is hard not to think of Job in the bible. How he lost everything, yet still praised God. He had this mind blowing kind of freedom. His very health had left him yet he practiced the freedom to believe in God. What does that belief entail? The belief that he knows we can do what he asks, even though we may (and almost always do) fail. The potential is there, the ability to have the freedom necessary to be like him.

I don't know if I've done the subject justice, I just knew I needed to write down these thoughts before the disappeared.

Looking back into my own life, I feel like I had more of this faith, faith to believe that God had not laid an impossible task before me. Although I failed, probably even more often than I remember, I still persisted in the believe that I could do it. If God could believe in me enough to give me these commandments then I can do it. Maybe not know, but one day I can. That part of me has been under siege for sometime now. I love my family and remember my young mind being told it could do anything. Life has worn away that faith, both in myself and in God a bit. Lately I've been feeling that lack. I've been trying to name it, to know it, to conquer it. I now understand why the church focuses so hard to teach the youth that they are children of God. The world will teach you anything but that one sublime truth. That because we are children of God that he gave us a priceless gift, the freedom of a God. Just like our exercises of this freedom has prices, so did his use of his freedom to give us that gift. That sacrifice was Jesus Christ, the son of God. I feel closer to understanding that now then ever. I can succeed in the sublime goals outlined in the gospel, and faith is the first principle. With faith in God, and the knowledge he's given me about my place in the universe, I can have the faith necessary to live a truly free live. I just need to overcome the fears of failure and ridicule, and believe it to the point of action.

I don't intend this post as a declaration of ultimate truth. I feel that there is a great big store of truth beyond what I said, that I'm just barely being able to touch and become familiar with, and this is my attempt to never lose that taste. This I think is at the heart of Journal writing, to record moments when your mind feels illuminated to the point of bursting, so that you don't lose what you once felt, so that you can proceed from it.

Thanks Cyndi!

I think I probably will grab a webcam one of these days, if nothing else it'll be handy for practicing sign language anyway.

I don't really know what to say, I'm feeling entirely too tired to be trying to write anything coherent. Oh well, such is life.

Oh a fun thing to share


I remember this episode of the Muppet show and remember how much the Banana boat song wowed me as a kid. As a grown up this song really impresses me. It's become something I listen to on my "meh" days.

It's message just gives me a sense of connection with everyone. Even though we often forget who we and other are, it's right there waiting patiently for us to remember it. Sometimes all we need is a blast from the past, like the Muppets.

New Idea

I'm not sure if anyone reads my blog. But I'm tempted to start doing a video blog or vlog. I've been doing a lot of research on Deaf culture for a project at school this week and I've watched some Vlogs from Deaf people.

If I did do a Vlog I'll probably use it as a means to practice my ASL skills which are in desperate needs of regular practice.

So if anyone reads this what do you think? At the very least I'd include a segment below with what I say (translated to English I won't try to do a word for word translation).

Grad School wait

I've decided to put up a list of where I've applied to and what I've heard so far. I realize that enough people are curious that it might be easier if I just have it written somewhere public.

I have currently applied to: Red means that they have rejected me. Black is I don't know. Blue will mean accepted. So far there are none of these.
University of North Carolina- Greensboro
Western North Carolina University
University of Utah
Gallaudet University (In Washington D.C.)
University of Houston
University of Texas at Dallas

I would love to go to any of these institutions (or else I wouldn't have applied to them). It's a pretty widespread and I'm excited for all of these possibilities. So far I have heard nothing back from any of these people and I am eagerly awaiting news.