The times they are a-changing!

I'm weird in that I've always enjoyed a bunch of the music from my parents generation, I've tried to imbed a youtube video of Bob Dylan's classic song up above. I've decided that's a good theme to describe what I'm feeling. This semester I've had the experience of studying post-modernism both in literature and art. Those of you that know me can already predict that I liked the literature a lot lot better then I did the art. One of the first observations I had about Post-modernism is that it's dangerous. It resonated to me with that fear that paralyzes, the uncertainty that causes total apathy. I find it hilarious that I study this area of thought during a time of change in my life.

This period of my life is reminding me of the other times of my life where I've had big changes. I tend to get gripped by what I now call my Post-modern fear. Will I get a job? I don't know. Will I stay here or move? I don't know. Will I make some idiot mistakes? Probably, but not as bad as I fear most likely. Will I be happy? Who knows? Does it matter, can I even control what happens? Not really, I can only control what I do.

So here's a peak into my fears. I'm afraid that I won't get into grad school this year (I'm essentially on two wait lists and they're my best bet). I'm afraid that I won't get into grad school ever, or that I'll end up finding another job and just doing that instead of fulfilling my dream and going to graduate school and becoming a speech language pathologist. I'm afraid that I alienated a couple of friends when I turned them down about a buisness idea of theirs, and that maybe I was wrong to turn them down. I'm afraid I'll life a live alone and never marry, I'm afraid that I won't mind that much in a few years. I'm afraid that if I do get married that I'll be a horrible father. I'm afraid that because I won't get married until I'm older that my family will always treat me like a kid. I'm afraid that those of you reading this will freak out and worry yourselves silly about me.

I'll survive and I'll even bounce out of this funk. I've felt funks this strong at the beginning of college, my mission, and the end of my mission. And yes... all of these things kind of start coming to the surface at the same time. I'm a worrier, I am my father's son. So when times change in my life I freak out a bit, so if I seem more morose or what not, that's why. I really do love all of my friends and family out there, but in times like this I just get overwhelmed with my own thoughts and feelings that I have trouble being here. I've gotten better in the past several years, but I'm still not very good at it.

Heck I'm freaking out about how clean my house is for my parents visiting... and I'm pretty sure they won't care too much. They were in college once upon a time, they know what it's like, especially on finals week. Anyway for those of you that don't know that I carry around some big fears and that they breath down my neck at times like this, well now you know.