Thoughts

So I had yet another interesting day of class. It was one of those classes where you have a comment, but you get so moved by what's taught that you have to ponder it before you can do anything else, including speaking. A lot of what I have to say are things I thought but could not put into words.

We're currently talking about "The Grand Inquisitor" chapter of "The Brothers Karamazov" by Dostoevsky, we've also read bits of Darwin and Marx in this section.

I'd just finished catching up on the Marx, so perhaps that is part of where my mind was for this mind blowing discussion. It's scary to realize that even when we fight against communism we acknowledge some truth in it's manifesto. The space race could be seen, the need to settle in space, as a way to create a new frontier to settle and push capitalism along. A way for the proletariat to exhaust itself in going to a new world where it can better itself, a new America. Also the idea of a foreign war to pacify and focus a people follows a similar model, that it's forcing a new market to exist. I'm not saying that this is the way things are, I'm just saying I'm seeing a connection, and that it's a bit scary.

Then we go in and talk about the Grand Inquisitor (the character this time) who spouts off the communist thought of the government (or in his case the church) taking care of people's physical needs. And otherwise telling what they think are lies about the truth of reality to pacify them, because they are too foolish to do so themselves. What really blows your mind is what the Grand Inquisitor is mad with Jesus about. That he's mad about the freedom given to people. The freedom to achieve the goals given in the gospel. The absolute freedom necessary for us to achieve our potential. It's chilling. It's a level of freedom that is practically unheard of.

I kept thinking of the Janis Joplin line "freedom is another word for nothing left to lose". That line has an aspect of truth to it. We are told to not put home, wealth, comfort, or even family before the pursuit and loyalty to God. If we live a truly Christian life, we may have all of those above things and more, but we will live with the constant knowledge that we are willing to give those to God. That we are free of them to a level. We are then comforted that God for the most parts wants us to have the best things in live, especially family. It is hard not to think of Job in the bible. How he lost everything, yet still praised God. He had this mind blowing kind of freedom. His very health had left him yet he practiced the freedom to believe in God. What does that belief entail? The belief that he knows we can do what he asks, even though we may (and almost always do) fail. The potential is there, the ability to have the freedom necessary to be like him.

I don't know if I've done the subject justice, I just knew I needed to write down these thoughts before the disappeared.

Looking back into my own life, I feel like I had more of this faith, faith to believe that God had not laid an impossible task before me. Although I failed, probably even more often than I remember, I still persisted in the believe that I could do it. If God could believe in me enough to give me these commandments then I can do it. Maybe not know, but one day I can. That part of me has been under siege for sometime now. I love my family and remember my young mind being told it could do anything. Life has worn away that faith, both in myself and in God a bit. Lately I've been feeling that lack. I've been trying to name it, to know it, to conquer it. I now understand why the church focuses so hard to teach the youth that they are children of God. The world will teach you anything but that one sublime truth. That because we are children of God that he gave us a priceless gift, the freedom of a God. Just like our exercises of this freedom has prices, so did his use of his freedom to give us that gift. That sacrifice was Jesus Christ, the son of God. I feel closer to understanding that now then ever. I can succeed in the sublime goals outlined in the gospel, and faith is the first principle. With faith in God, and the knowledge he's given me about my place in the universe, I can have the faith necessary to live a truly free live. I just need to overcome the fears of failure and ridicule, and believe it to the point of action.

I don't intend this post as a declaration of ultimate truth. I feel that there is a great big store of truth beyond what I said, that I'm just barely being able to touch and become familiar with, and this is my attempt to never lose that taste. This I think is at the heart of Journal writing, to record moments when your mind feels illuminated to the point of bursting, so that you don't lose what you once felt, so that you can proceed from it.